


The Witch and the Cat

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, F/M, Forevver Alone, Genderswap, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-31
Updated: 2011-10-31
Packaged: 2017-10-25 03:10:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/271086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the only Eridan/Nepeta fic I will ever write.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Witch and the Cat

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I broke the 6 letter rule. Deal with it.

Erida lamented. A thousand lusii, and naught even a moirail. Why couldn’t guys ever take a hint? She practically seared a big heart into every whale she gave Fefery. After all she did for him, he rejected her in both quadrants. To make things worse, he ran off with that gawky little lowblood Solluxia! Ungrateful bastard.

                Convinced by her ex-moirail to play this stupid game, she was now holed up in the cellar of one creepy worshipterrium that littered her Land. The Angels that patrolled this Land swarmed her, and even though they did negligible damage, they still kept her from doing anything. They were almost impossible to kill even with the Circe’s Crosshair and they just kept respawning. As an elite gamer, Erida was loathed to admit it, but she needed help.

                Perhaps it was a good thing she needed help. It was a good excuse to invite someone over. With a little seduction, she could get a new matesprit! That would make Fefery jealous. He would race to her Land to declare his undying pity for her. But maybe Erida would turn him down. Play hard to get. Show him she could live without him. Then it would be Fefery giving him presents! She could do with some more witch statues. Only after some courting would Erida agree to being his matesprit. He would be grateful then! Love was such a simple game.

                So who would she troll? It would have to be someone on her team. She couldn’t ask one of her opponents for help. Solluxia was right out. It would be ironic if she did seduce Fefery’s new matesprit, but she couldn’t turn her bubbling black feelings into red. Arad was aloof and creepy and Erida suspected she was dead, which was a turn-off. Equia might kill Erida if she tried anything and besides, she was really gross. That left that silly shippy boy, what was his name? Yes, Nepeto. Nepeto would be perfect. He was a lowblooded land-dweller like Solluxia but not too disgustingly low. He had been saved by Erida so hopefully he’d be grateful to her. On top of all that, he was cute and in shape, unlike that skinny Solluxia. It was worth a try. It was always worth a try.

                Erida got out her husktop and opened up Trollian.

caligulaAquarium [CA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

 

CA: howw are ya gettin along?   
CA: i hope youre all right after that tumultuous entry   
AC: :33> *nepeto purrs* im purrfectly okay   
AC: :33> thanks you for saving me   
CA: youre wwelcome  CA: you arent havvin any problems wwith your land?   
AC: :33> no im havvin a great time   
CA: of course   
CA: a great hunter like you shouldnt havve any problems   
CA: im sure you put the fear of god into all of your enemies   
AC: :33> eeyup   
AC: :33> but i cant take all the credit   
AC: :33> my meowrail helped me

Erida’s blood ran even colder. She hadn’t thought about the danger Equia posed if anything happened with her moirail.

CA: is equia wwith you right noww?  
AC: :33> no he ran off to be with aa  
AC: :33> they are so flushed its adorable  
CA: good  
CA: yes its good that they found each other

Hmm, Erida thought. She hadn’t expected those two to get together. She would need to update her shipping chart when she got the chance.

CA: if evverythin is settled in your land perhaps you can help me out  
AC: :33> whats the purroblem?  
CA: its wwith my land  
CA: the perilous land of wwrath and angels  
CA: im under siege by the wwrathful angels that patrol the shinin wworshipterriums  
AC: :33> angels?  
CA: big feathery birdbrain demons  
AC: :33> i know what angels are, you silly little fishie  
AC: :33> but why are they attacking you?  
CA: because they are the enemy  
AC: :33> but i would think by the name of the land that the angels were just part of it and not the enemy  
AC: :33> just like ta and those silly brains in her land  
AC: :33> are they even prototyped?  
CA: look wwho here is the vveteran gamer?  
CA: i can tell wwhats supposed to be a enemy and wwhat isnt  
AC: :33> jeez you dont have to hiss at me  


Erida hit her forehead. What was she trying to do, push Nepeto into her black quadrant?

CA: sorry  
CA: in any case they are attacking me  
CA: i havve vvaliantly fought them off wwith my legendary circes crosshair  
CA: i havve slewwed many an angel  
AC: :33> at least ca is getting lots and lots of grist  
CA: actually the stupid thins dont give out any of the grist  
CA: none of it  
AC: :33> thats purrplexing  
CA: yet these shitty thins just keep comin after me  
CA: do you think you could come ovver and help me?  
AC: :33> hmmm im having a great time in lolcat  
CA: come on please return the favvor  
CA: i did savve your life  
AC: :33> okay  
AC: :33> *ac is coming to the rescue!* :33  
CA: thank you  
AC: :33> we should also get ct to help us  
CA: no  
CA: no i wwouldnt like that  
CA: its embarrassin enough that i need help wwithout the team leader gettin invvolvved  
AC: :33> i understand  
AC: :33> you want us to be alone together  
CA: yes that wwould be nice  
CA: it doesnt havve to be just fightin wwe could havve a nice vvisit  
AC: :33> we could have a romp  
AC: :33> it will be so much fun  
CA: i hope so  
CA: wwhen can you come?  
AC: :33> im prowling right near the gate  
AC: :33> where are you?  
CA: im in the cellar of this wworshipterrium near my hivve  
CA: its got this wwicked stained glass wwindow showwin this wwoman in long slinky dress wwith spiky golden circlet behind her  
CA: looks like the sorceress from “serialized role playing console games set in different fantasy wworlds wwith their owwn continuity 8”  
AC: :33> i dont know what that means but i can sniff you out  
AC: :33> see you soon

arsenicCatnip [AC] has ceased trolling caligulaAquarium [CA]

 

Erida gulped. She now had a red date with Nepeto. Well, sort of a date. She could always turn it into a full-blown flushed date.

                She touched herself up in the mirror that was mysteriously in the cellar. She took her big red bow out so she could comb her hair, paying special attention to the daring purple streak, before putting in a fresh bow. Her hair was definitely better than that unflattering bowl cut Solluxia had. She reapplied her black eyeliner and purple lipstick. She wiped her glasses clean. She brushed down her black dress. She wished she had worn a more form-fitting dress, but it was still really cute. She checked her bra and thought about stuffing it but decided against it. She pulled up her blue and black stripped stockings and for extra measure she hiked up the hem of her dress. She wiped off her sneakers and retied the laces. She then checked herself again and again.

                As she was decided whether to pop the zit behind her face fin, she heard a noise upstairs. She took out her rifle and aimed it at the stairs. Suddenly the hatch to the cellar opened and shut closed, briefly flooding the room with bright light. Something bounded down the stairs and then stood in the archway. It was Nepeto! Erida put away her rifle just before he...

 

                                POUNCEGLOMP!

 

                She slide along the slick marble floor with Nepeto on top of her. Thankfully he put down his hands and kept both of them from hitting the wall.

                                “The cat greets his witchy mistress!” he cried. His voice was more masculine than Erida expected from his silly banter. 

                She had seen him before while acting as his server but this was her first time seeing him in person. His boyish face looked even cuter in person. His body wasn’t boyish though. He had thankfully taken off that no doubt filthy coat and she could see his well toned arms, flexing as propped himself up. His blue cap was off and his hair was all over the place. Unfortunately it looked like it was growing into a mullet but that could be easily fixed. With him that close to her she could smell him and it wasn’t that bad. A little bit of ammonia, yes, but his wild scent was rather intoxicating. Over all he was almost as good as Fefery, though something in the back of her head screamed that no one could equal Fefery.

                                “W..w-witches are fake,” she mumbled, “but t-thanks for callin’ me one.”

                Erida expected Nepeto to get off of her but he didn’t move. He just stared at her with those big eyes. Purple blood rushed to her cheeks. She propped herself up a little but didn’t push him off. She kind of liked having him on top of her.

                                “So, w-why don’t w-we get to know-w each other before w-we go out and bust some featherheads?” she asked.

                                “Yes, I want to sniff you up first,” he purred.

                Like he said, he leaned over Erida’s face and started sniffing her hair. She could feel his warm breath on him. It smelled like tuna and she didn’t know if she should take it was a sign. He then licked her face.

                                “Ohhh,” he murmured, “You haz a taste.”

                                “W-wow-w,” Erida said, her blush growing stronger, “You’re wery friendly.”

                                “I’m a nice kitty. I don’t bite and scratch...unless you want me to.”

                Erida giggled a little at this admittedly cheesy line.

                                “You are the nicest kitty I’we met,” she replied as she petted his head.

                                “I think you think I’m more than just nice.”

                                “I do...I think I’m...” She paused. “It’s not conciliatory, I’ll say that.”

                                “I pity you too!”

                Erida smiled big. This was easier than she thought it would be. Perhaps they were really meant to be matesprits and not her and Fefery. Well, okay, so he wasn’t a sea-dweller but it wouldn’t be the first time she’d been in a relationship with a filthy dirt-crawler.

                Nepeto sealed the confession with a strong, fierce kiss that almost made her wish she was underwater so she could get her breath back. It made her Vrisk’s kisses look weak. He pulled back only to kiss and lick her face over and over. He pushed her glasses off so he could reach her cheek better. His slightly rough little tongue made its way down to her left face fin. He gently nibbled on it. She turned her head to give him better access and hoped he wouldn’t see that zit. She moaned in appreciation of his makeout skills. This was going really well.

                Nepeto’s gloved hand slide up her dress and Erida stiffened. She pushed him off.

                                “I’m not that kind of troll!” she cried out.

                She then thought about it some more.

                                “W-who am I kiddin’, I am that kind of troll,” she said as put her arm around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

                They made out some more, Nepeto’s hands pawing him in places she knew she shouldn’t let him. Erida was feeling very aroused. Her genitals were all a-tingly. Suddenly, he got up to his knees and pushed her dress up over her head. All Erida could think was she was glad she didn’t stuff her bra. When the dress was off she looked up to see Nepeto taking off his own symbol shirt. Her gaze wandered down to his tented pants. He pulled them down and Erida got the shock of her life.

                               She mumbled, “Are...are those barbs?”

* * *

Erida sighed happily as she adjusted her big red bow in the mirror. When she got over the shock of seeing his unusual bone bulge, she was delighted to find out the sex wasn’t too painful. This was her first time, red or black. She hadn’t expected that her first time would be in a place like this, or with a troll like him. She hadn’t even expected that she, a highblood, would take the passive role. Yet it was still so perfect.

                She was fully dressed but Nepeto was still shirtless. He was lounging behind her next to their liquid containment unit. It was a lucky thing he brought the square-shaped not-pail with him.

                                She gushed, “I know-w I said it before but that w-was fuckin’ aw-wesome. Really w-wicked. I don’t know-w how-w you did it, it w-was some kind of magic.”

                                Nepeto purred. “You cast a spell on me too, little witch.”

                                “It’s just, w-wow-w, I can’t beliewe how-w good those little thins on your bone bulge felt, I thought it would be aw-wful, fuckin’ aw-wful, but they w-were like magic little nubs.”

                                “Karkatta said the same thing.”

                She turned around.

                                “Karkatta?”

                                “Yep! After we had red sex for the first time she asked me how come my little barbies didn’t tear the shit out of her nook!”

                                “You had red sex w-with Karkatta.”

                                Nepeto looked a little confused. “Yeah, that’s what I said.”

                                She pressed her fingers together. “But are you w-with Karkatta?”

                                “Nope! I’m with you!”

                                She put her hand on her head and sighed. “Oh thank glub. I mean, I w-wish I could hawe been your first, like you w-were my first, but I guess it’s to be expected that you might weer off the coast an true lowe.” She primped a little. “It w-was after all only one little troll,” she sniffed.

                                “One?”

                Erida stiffened again.

                                “W-who did you hawe red sex w-with after her?”

                                “Terezy!” He put out his arms. “We really soared together.”

                                “I guess one of your lusus roleplayin’ session got out of control, that happens.”

                                “It was the best session!” He licked his lips, which were still smeared with her lipstick. “He’s really good with his tongue.”

                                “At least you’re going up the hemospectrum, from whatever ugly color Karkatta is, probably chartreuse, to teal and beyond.”

                                “No, there was someone in between...yes, pretty little jade!”

                                “Jade? You w-were w-with Kanaye? How-w did you get w-with him?” she asked with a bit too much jealousy in her voice.

                                “I offered to be his model.” He scratched himself. “Boy was I glad to get out of that itchy suit.”

                                “I w-would hawe been his model,” she muttered under her breath. “But no other low-wer bloods, other than Karkatta, probably.”

                                “No, there was Tavra.” He bobbed up and down. “I rode her like a mechanical bull!”

                                “Tavra? Before or after she got crippled?”

                                Nepeto frowned. “We tried again after the accident but it just wasn’t the same.”

                                “Any low-wer? Arad?”

                                “I gave him the little death! Several times a day!”

                                “But he’s your moirail’s matesprite.”

                                “Well, he wasn’t then, silly. I can’t have sex with him now! Unless they want a threesome.” He frowned. “I don’t think I’d like to cuddle with a robot.”

                                “Hawe you ewer had sex w-with your moirail?”

                                He gave her a disparaging look.  “Who do you think I lost my red virginity too?”

                                Erida looked off into the distance. “And you guys are still palemates.” Another name came up. “Solluxia?”

                                “Red _and_ black!”

                She couldn’t even come back with an insult for her rival.

                                “Vrisk?”

                                “The tricky spider didn’t need any tricks with me!”

                She felt a little jealousy, even though it was red, not black.

                                 “Gamzii?”

                                “She’s not laid-back on couch! She’s crazy!” He paused. “A little too crazy.”

                Erida counted up the number of matesprites he had. It was practically all the players. Almost all the players.

                                She asked, “But I’m the first seadw-weller you’we been w-with, right?”

                                “Nope, I’ve had fish before!”

                                “W...W-who?”

                                “Fefery!”

                Erida’s blood-pumping organ sunk.

                                “Fefery?”

                                “Yes! He was yummy!”

                                “Fefery.”

                Erida knew then that she still had feelings of a flushed nature for Fefery. And yet she gave herself to someone who had taken every single person he knew.

                Nepeto got up and nuzzled the shell-shocked girl.

                                “And I finally got to be matesprits with you.”

                                Erida smiled faintly. “Yes, you’re with me now.”

                                “And after maybe one more time with you I’ll go pounce Fefery!” Erida’s smile dropped. “He’s got a funny bone bulge too, it’s a tentacle and he wraps it around...”

                She pushed Nepeto away.

                                “How-w could you?” she cried, “How-w could you pail w-with so many goddamn people?”

                Nepeto threw up his arms.

                                “I’m a tomcat!” 

                                  


End file.
